It’s the second most wonderful time of year leading up to the most wonderful time of year! Hallmark’s released their lineup for their festive end-of-year film dump! From October 20th through December 17th, the channel will premiere 40 holiday movies so saccharine, so nauseatingly wholesome and narratively milquetoast, that your eyes will glaze over in contentment binging them whilst simultaneously binging Christmas cookies.
Along with the titles of the films that run the smooching gamut of Christmas with a Kiss to Magic in Mistletoe to (my favorite) Never Been Chris’d, we’ve been gifted short synopses of each made-for-TV movie. And in most of the synopses, we’re given a glimpse of what these protagonists are like, which is to say, what they do for a job—because in Hallmark-topia, what you do for a job is who you are.
As former Jezebel writer Kelly Faircloth pointed out in 2021, these jobs aren’t so much about the labor done, but rather “they’re about establishing the heroine as sufficiently warm, nurturing, and dedicated to Christmas as defined by these movies—family-focused, domestically festive, and safe for children.”
In lieu of an exhaustive list, I’ve culled the notable careers of our leading ladies and men (from what I can tell, pronoun-wise, Hallmark is still strapped into the gender binary). So, if you find yourself in Christmastown of Holiday Hollow and in need of a job, here’s what’s available to you:
- Esteemed astrophysicist
- Aquarium volunteer
- Recently dumped art teacher
- Cooking hotline operator
- Enigmatic woman with hint of mystery
- HOA president’s girlfriend
- Tabloid journalist
- Aspiring pilot
And for the men, most of whom are the love interests of the above women (though not all! There are two movies with queer couples this year)! these were some of the best of the allotted gigs:
- Air traffic controller
- Lighthouse owner
- Santa Claus’ son (nepo baby much??)
- Tech entrepreneur
- HOA President
- Reclusive count
- Groundskeeper pretending to be reclusive count
It goes without saying that an “Enigmatic Woman With a Hint of Mystery” is the ideal job, followed closely by “Aquarium Volunteer.” I’m sure the pressure of finances exists in these films as a narrative device, but that stress is nothing the magic of Christmas can’t assuage. And before anyone thinks that “HOA president’s girlfriend” isn’t a real job, I’d argue that just putting up with the politics you’d have to deal with, qualifies you to run for president.
I was surprised by how few small business owners and bakers there were, for either gender. Maybe inflation has hit Hallmark-topia, as well, and everyone is looking for more corporate gigs. I’m also a bit concerned about the air traffic controller because I once read that that job has the highest suicide rate. But I imagine that won’t factor into the plot of that movie (Christmas Island).
Congrats to all of the well-employed Hallmark movie protagonists, especially in this economy. I simply cannot wait to watch a groundskeeper pretend to be a reclusive count before winning over a tabloid journalist all in the name of Christmas magic or something.